


Paalam

by paaanj (orphan_account)



Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Angst, Break Up, M/M, Moving On, Post-Break Up, lovingyourself
Language: Filipino
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-07-21
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:20:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,037
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25421542
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/paaanj
Summary: This will be the last time I’ll be thinking and writing about you.Goodbye, Joshua Hong.
Relationships: Hong Jisoo | Joshua & Yoon Jeonghan, Hong Jisoo | Joshua/Yoon Jeonghan
Collections: SOCMED AU





	Paalam

**Author's Note:**

> Again, this is an excerpt from my JiHan socmed au on twt.  
> I just feel like posting it here.. You can read it without reading the au itself. 
> 
> Angst. Angst. Angst. 
> 
> As you can see from the tag and summary. Lol  
> Proceed to your own accord but you have been warned. 
> 
> Song used is entitled PAALAM by Moira and Ben&Ben

(Jeonghan’s POV)

  
_Pag-asa, nasaan ka?_  
_Ba't sumama sa paglisan niya?_  


Di ko aakalaing aabot ng ganito katagal bago ako matauhan na hindi pa pala ako okay. 

  


**Ikaw pa rin pala.**

Akala ko, okay na ako. The moment I started entertaining other people, I thought I've moved on. Sino ba naman kasing mag eexpect diba? Di naman kasi ako yung tipo ng tao na basta-basta nalang papatol kahit kanino kapag alam kong isang tao lang naman pa rin talaga yung mahal ko.  
  
But we always end up proving ourselves wrong.   
  
Hindi pa ako okay.  
  
Ikaw pa rin yung mahal ko.   


It all started the day na nag back read ako eh. Pahamak talaga mag backread ng convo kahit kailan. Yung araw na nakita ko yung message mo. Syempre sino ba namang di magugulat diba? After 2 years na walang kibuan, yun yung makikita ko. Langyang attachment unavailable yan. Napareply pa tuloy ako.  
  
I can’t say that I regret that move pero since then napaisip ako, baka wala na talagang pag-asang makakamove on pa ako?

  
_Kung babawiin ang mga nasabi_  
_Babalik ba sa 'king tabi?_

  
I never expected we’d see each other again. I was nervous, no doubt pero I was also excited. Namiss kita eh.   
  
Syempre di ko na rin idedeny, I was jealous. Seeing you with him. Lahat ng sakit bumalik. I thought I was still okay kasi di ko naman hiniling na sana ako yung nasa position ni Jun nung mga oras na yun. 

Pero I was wrong again.  
  
Di pa ako okay. Kasi after weeks, I started to ask all the "What ifs?"  
  
Kapag ba di ako yung unang bumitaw, wala bang Jun?   
Kung di ko lang sana sinabing "ayoko na, tama na", tayo pa kaya hanggang ngayon?   
Masaya rin kaya tayo kung natuto lang akong magpahaba ng pasensya?   
  
  


_Saan ba magsisimula_  
_Kung ako'y umaasa pa?_

  
Friends? Hahaha  
  
Wag na tayo maglokohan. Tama sila, you can never be friends with your ex. Kasi puta mahal pa rin kita. Andito pa rin lahat ng sakit. Sa tingin mo malelet go ko lang yun ng basta-basta and be your friend? 

Kaya kong magpanggap, pero hanggang kailan ko kakayanin?  
  
Seokmin was right. Kahit pa ilang beses akong magsinungaling sa kanila o sa sarili ko, na okay na ako. Kahit pa pagbali-baliktarin ko ang mundo, at the end of the day, hindi pa rin ako okay.  
  
Paano ba kasi talaga magmove-on? Yung tipong pag naiisip kita, hindi na ako manghihinayang, hindi na ako masasaktan, hindi na ako aasa pa na malay natin sa dulo tayo pa rin pala.  
  
  


_Naniniwala sa'yong pangako_  
_Na hinding-hindi susuko_

  
Akala ko ba away lang, walang magbebreak? Yan motto natin diba? Sa limang taon, napanindigan natin yan. Kahit sa libo-libong away, we always find that one reason to stay.   
  
Sabi mo dati kahit anong mangyari, kahit dumating yung araw na mapagod man ako, mapagod tayo, tandaan ko lang na mahal na mahal mo ko, mahal na mahal natin yung isa't-isa. Na tayo talaga hanggang dulo. Pero love was never enough.  
  
Dati kapag nag-aaway tayo, we'll give each otheer time and space to cool things off pero at the end of the day, we'll always try to fix it together.  
  
Pero paano nga ba maayos kung isa nalang yung may gusto? Paano ipaglalaban kung pareho niyo nang sinukuan? Paano babalikan kung, may iba na palang inuuwian?

  


_Pagbigyan ang aking tugon_  
_'Wag iwan sa imahinasyon_  
_Kahit na huling sulyap na lamang_  
_Malaman lang na 'di nagkulang_

  
I remembered the day we acted na parang walang break up na nangyari. Para tayong magsyota ulit. Sobrang saya ko nun. Kala ko talaga magiging okay na lahat, magkakabalikan na tayo. 

Akala ko lang pala, lahat.  
  
The night before that I went home drunk, again, but not drunk enough to not notice that you were there lying on the bed. I was about to go out after I seeing you kasi sa sofa nalang sana ako matutulog when you grabbed my hand nung nasa pinto na ako.  
  
Sabi mo tabi na tayo. I was too tired to even think about it kaya di na ako umangal at humiga na lang. Nakatalikod ako sa’yo nun eh, pagkaalala ko. Tapos you hugged me, akala ko panaginip lang.  
  
The next morning, dun na nagsink in lahat. Nagulat ako may kamay sa bewang ko. Kala ko nasa ibang bahay ako, pero when I looked around sabi ko kwarto ko naman so kaninong kamay to. Medyo kinabahan ako kasi as far as I remember di naman ako ganun kawasted, akala ko talaga may naiuwi akong ibang tao pero pagkalingon ko, I didn’t expect to see your face so close. Ramdam na ramdam ko pati pagahinga mo.   
  
Alam mo bang I wanted to cry at that moment kasi di ko aakalaing makakatabi kita ulit ng ganun kalapit? Sobrang miss na miss na kita non kaya I tried my best na pigilang humikbi kasi ayokong magising ka.   
  
It took a while before I decided to remove your hand kasi I wanted to drink water sa sobrang tuyo na ng lalamunan ko. Dahan-dahan kong inangat yung kamay mo pero gulat ko nang pumiglas ka. Then I froze when you suddenly pulled me closer and hugged me as tight as you could. You whispered, “ganito muna tayo please, 5 minutes lang”.   
  
Sa sobrang gulat ko di maprocess ng utak ko yung scenario, it took me 30 minutes to find my voice again. I was about to speak up ng bumangon ka and went out of the room. Sabi ko pa sa sarili ko “ay, yun na yun”, odiba parang tanga lang. Pero not long enough, you came back with water on one hand and Advil on the other.   
  
Pagkakuha ko, umupo ka sa likod ko. I thought you were going to sleep again pero niyakap mo ko ulit. Halos mabulunan pako sa iniinom kong tubig. After I placed the water on the bedside table, hinarap kita. I asked you kung anong meron? Why are you acting that way kasi as far as I can remember, we broke up. Sobrang tagal bago ka sumagot, but the only words that came out of your mouth were.  
  
“I missed you”   
  
With just those words you got me wrapped around your fingers again. Ang rupok ko sa’yo alam mo ba yun?   
  
We spent the day cuddling (something I never expected to happen). Eventually, I got tired of thinking kung anong nangyayari and just went with the flow.   
  
Magpapadeliver dapat tayo nun kasi we planned to have a movie marathon pero we decided to eat out nalang. After that, we strolled around the city. It all felt like we were having our first date. Sobrang saya ko at that moment.  


But I guess too much happiness always overflowed into tears of sorrow.   


Kasi pagkarating natin sa unit, hindi mo pinatay agad ang sasakyan. We stayed there for a while Tahimik lang, parehong naghahanap ng lakas ng loob para magsalita. When your phone lit up.   
  
Kinuha mo agad tapos nilingon mo ko, maybe to see if I saw it? 

Yes, I did. 

Kitang-kita ng dalawang mata ko yung pangalan niya sa screen.   
  
Natauhan ako bigla. Oo nga pala, may iba ka na pala. Di pala totoo yung mga nangyari buong araw. 

Bigla ako napatanong sa sarili ko. 

What were we doing? I really have no idea. 

Play pretend? Siguro.   
  
“I guess bukas balik na tayo sa dati ano? Wala na ulit pansinan?” di ko na napigilan yung sarili kong itanong yun. Iniwasan mo agad ako ng tingin when I turned to you.  
  
“Can’t we stay like this?” mahina mong tanong   
  
“You know we can’t. Hangga’t nanjan siya. Hangga’t di ako yung pinipili mo.” I have no idea kung paano ko nasabi yun nang hindi nagbebreak down.   
  
You closed your eyes and tears started streaming down your face.  
  
“Pano kung di ko kaya?” ang bullshit ng sagot mo alam mo yun? sarap mong suntukin nun eh. Pasalamat ka mahal kita.   
  
"You need to choose Joshuji, alam mo yan. Kasi if you don’t, the three of us would end up hurting. It’s either you have to sacrifice one or all of us will be suffering.”   
  
“I can’t let you go, hanie” 

Diba dapat matuwa ako sa sinabi mo? Pero bakit puro sakit lang yung naramdaman ko nun.  
  
“Pero mahal mo na siya.” ako na tumapos sa sasabihin mo and I asked you one last time, even though I know hearing the answer will tear me apart.  
  
“Joshuji. It’s either me or him lang”   
  
Akala ko masakit na yung marinig kong piliin mo siya pero mas masakit pala yung makita kitang naguguluhan kung sino ba talaga saaming dalawa. At that moment, I knew you were never going to pick me.   
  
I took your hand and held it tight. Di na kita hinintay pang makasagot.  
  
“Wag ka na mahirapan shuji. I know it’s him kasi if you really love me, hindi ka na dapat nagdadalawang isip pa jan. Don’t worry, okay lang ako. Tanggap ko na” 

I let go of your hand and picked my things.   
  
“Akyat na ako ha. I guess you won’t be sleeping here tonight?” tanong ko as I was about to step out of the car. You just stared at me, yung parang nalilito ka kung pipigilan mo ba ako o ano so I smiled.  
  
“Puntahan mo na, parang kanina ka pa niya hinahanap”  


Pagkapasok ko sa kwarto, dun pa nag sink in lahat.   
  
I lied. Hindi ako okay. Hindi ko tanggap.

  
  
_Paalam_  
_Sa ating nakaraan_  


Di biro yung 5 years. Ang hirap-hirap bitawan ng 5 years. There’s always a little part in me hoping na bumalik ka kasi sayang.   
  
But I guess I just missed the memories, not the person.   
  


_Paalam_  
_Sa mga pinagsisihan_  


**Acceptance is the first step to moving on.**  
  
I admit I had my fair share of why we broke up. Ako yung unang bumitaw. Ako yung unang napagod. Maybe my love for you was not enough. Kasi diba pag mahal mo di ka naman dapat mapagod.   
  
Tanggap ko na. Tanggap ko nang wala na talaga.

  


_Paalam_  
_Sa aking nadarama_

I recently learned na kahit anong takbo ko, I will never fully heal unless I face it and let the pain sink in.   
  
Akala ko nakamove on na ako nung January kasi I was falling for Gyu pero in the end it was still you pala. Ang dami ko pang naging kafling after, pero I know na di rin naman ako magiging masaya kasi mahal pa rin kita.   
  
Pero oras na para bitawan ka. Kailangan ko nang palayain yung sarili ko.

  


_Paalam_  
_Kaya ko na ng wala ka_

  


The moment I moved out of our unit, I learned how to be independent. Natuto rin akong umuwing mag-isa pagkatapos makipag inuman with friends. Di mo na kasi ako pwedeng puntahan at ihatid pauwi kapag nagdrunk text ako sa'yo.   
  
Sooner or later I realized kaya ko naman pala, di naman pala ako mamamatay kahit wala ka na sa tabi ko.   


_Paalam_  
_Sa naging pagmamahalan_

  
Naalala ko yung time na di ako umuwi saamin kasi sainyo ako nagstay. Sobrang close ko na nun sa mga pinsan mo at halos naipakilala mo pa ako sa buong pamilya mo. We promised to tell your parents kapag okay na tayo sa family ko.  
  
In time you met my dad. Siya yung unang nakaalam sa side ko tapos he snitched me to my mom. Kinabahan pa tayo nun pero naging close rin kayo ni mama when she had to ask you a favor nung graduation ko. Dun pa lang pakiramdam natin legal na tayo. Until they allowed us to move in together. Everything was perfect na sana diba?  
  
I really hate it kapag nagfaflashback yung masasayang memories kasi nalulungkot ako, nasasayangan ako, bumibigat yung damdamin ko pero guess what, as time passes by hindi na pala siya ganun kasakit. Ramdam ko konti nalang magiging okay na talaga ako.   
  


  
_Ika'y naging sapat_  
_Kahit tinapon ang lahat_  


I know we both did our best, we both gave it our all.   
Lahat ng lambingan, away, at tampuhan, lahat yun wala akong pinagsisisihan.   
Di man tayo hanggang dulo, di ako nagsisising naging parte ka ng buhay ko.   
  
Sadly, it's time to move on.

  
_Paalam_  
_Sa ating nakaraan…_

  
**Oras na para magising sa katotohanan.**

**Author's Note:**

> If you want to read the au it’s pinned at @rkdlsal on twt :’)
> 
> Comments, suggestions, and violent reactions are highly appreciated ^..^


End file.
